Awful Normal

directed by Celesta Davis (2004)

Another documentary about sexual abuse, but this one focuses on the survivors rather than the perpetrator.  It's made by Celesta Davis and documents the process she goes through in coming to terms with her personal experiences with childhood sexual abuse.  She and her sister were both molested by a family friend and when they told their parents, the parents decided to simply ignore the abuse, which apparently was a fairly common practise in the swinging 70's.  Perhaps it was the permissive attitude around the sexual revolution that contributed to that, but I think it's more that childhood sexual abuse was a taboo subject that people didn't deal with very well. Anyhow, the impetus for the documentary came when Celesta learns via a news announcement over the radio that the son of her abuser was arrested for some kind of sex crime. She then decides to confront her abuser and to film everything along the way.
 
I watched this one on Netflix, via my ipod, while lolling in bed.  Lounging that is - I wasn't inclined to laugh out loud much while watching this flick.  I haven't watched many movies on the ipod, though it's pretty convenient.  Anyhow, I have a personal stake in the subject of the film, since I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, but I don't particularly agree with the process the sisters utilise.  I have no interest in having anything to do with my abuser.  I don't think I'd get anything out of it except stress, but the sisters, especially Celeste are convinced of the validity of meeting up with their abuser.  For them it was a good idea, but I thought the idea was gross.

The sisters do eventually get to talk with the guy and it made my skin crawl.  Celesta feels much better after the confrontation, and that made me wonder.  Did she have to meet up with him to have that closure?  What is closure anyway?  Can't you find peace about how you've been hurt without having to engage with the person who hurt you?  Isn't it giving the abuser more power if you let them run a number on you about why they did what they did?  Who cares why?  What they did was wrong, and they suck.  Leave it at that.  I think engaging with someone is only important if you want to continue a relationship with them, and let's face it, who wants to continue a relationship with the person who violated them?

I can understand wanting to unload to your abuser, and explicitly state how much they hurt you.  I support restorative justice and victim offender reconciliation processes.  I think though, that it's important for survivors to realise that it might not be very satisfying to interact with the person that hurt you.  Perhaps they will justify their actions or deny your feelings and experiences.

The  hope is that it's a healing encounter; the survivor says their piece, giving them peace of mind,  and the offender is forced to hear out the impact of their actions, and come face to face with the repercussion of their actions and be held accountable.  In optimal circumstances, the abuser is moved to sincere contrition and apologises, and the survivor is able to forgive them and move on.  But who cares about them, is how I feel personally.  You dun what you dun, and I'm done with you.  Maybe this is harsh, but from the perspective of a victim, the drama of dealing with an abuser doesn't offer much incentive since there's so much rumination over the abuse.  I think it can be psychologically damaging to focus attention on how someone hurt you, but I expect it's part of a process to recontextualise that past experience.  I simply question the necessity of including the perpetrator in that process.  It could just be my knee jerk reaction though, because it's fairly easy for me to not have anything to do with my abuser.  Perhaps this means I'm locked in some kind of eternal victimhood, but I don't think so.  I survived a terrible experience that plagued me for a good many years.  It happened to me when I was a little girl and I can't change that.  But lots of bad things have happened to me.  Lots of good things too.  My perspective now, is to try not to focus on the bad things.

I understand that survivors and offenders still have to live in the same world and restorative justice acknowledges that and attempts to make that a less painful reality.  One positive element of is this kind of interaction, aside from the possibility of it bringing peace to both the survivors and offenders, is that it might preclude further victims.   I'm dubious about that being a realistic outcome, but hope springs eternal.