feels of efficacy

 I had a pretty good day. Had good eats and a long walk - found a park modeled on Versailles. Lotsa flowers

I was feeling kinda raw at the start, but I kept just doing things as I thought of them and that gave me good feels of efficacy. Too often I think, I should do whatever, see a chore attached to an object, but move on to some other activity. Just little things, like calling the pharmacy for a refill. I did get shut down there - I found out my prescription for test strips was suspended because I got a med that's supposed to lower my blood sugar. I had to get a special authority to get it - Jardiance. I told my doctor I wasn't going to try the new psych med, 3rd gen to the 1st gen one the hospital made me take until I was also on the diabetes med. It's actually supposed to protect my kidney function as well.  I'm supposed to drink a ton of water, and somehow that's part of the mechanism - you pee out the excess glucose.  Something like that anyhow. I'll be able to eat carbs if I want I guess, but without test strips, how will I know how many carbs I can eat? People talk about Canada having free healthcare but it's tightly managed and how much you pay for medication depends on what kind of insurance you have and what province you're in.  Regional disparities are biggie sized. Another hoop to jump through,  - gots to get another special authority for making sure my blood sugar is okay. I immediately felt despair due to my medical trauma. Too many times I've had to negotiate the medical system. I know I could be grateful, but honestly it's a fucking chore looking after my fucking failing body.

I was talking to Joe about my feels, how I felt my pain body looming, an undifferentiated mass of woe suffusing my being as my morning began - well 2pm is when I arose, went to bed around 6am after all. I tried to identify why I felt shitty and I tracked it down to feeling lonely. This covid and depending mostly on social media for my peoples time - and mainly shallow interactions eh. I don't feel connected to others. I don't feel seen or heard. I guess lots of people in the same boat. Isolation be part of social distancing. I did txt my mom and sister and niece right after, and made arrangements with my friend down the road to have a picnic when Popeye's opens.  Got to connect with the people I care about.

I got an Indigenous NFB link sent to me from my screenplay group - this vid spoke to me.

b'Very Present', b'Conor' b'McNally', provided by the National Film Board of Canada

genocide and rape

 It's been a hard week. Friday news came out about ground penetrating radar being used to confirm that 215 children's bodies were dumped in an unmarked graveyard at the Kamloops IRS.

Sad fucking shit but worse still, that night my niece was raped. 

It's been difficult dealing with her sexual assault because of the distance, she's in Regina, and I'm far from her in Vancouver. And there's already some difficulty in communicating with her. We mostly use messenger, with the odd audio message back and forth - no actual calls or facetime. It's made figuring out what actually happened to her very difficult. I feel frustrated that she hasn't gone to the police, her story seems to change too. Did she tell the cops about the sexual assault and they ignored it, as she last said, or did she not say anything because she was embarrassed and afraid of the man who raped her? She initially said she asked them not to charge him, but that could have been the assault, not the rape?  He beat her up so she wouldn't tell his girlfriend is what she said too. Her leg is in a cast. Tonight she said that she told the cops and they did nothing because her rapist is a white boy. Um he looks like an NDN to me, but whatever. Joe right away said that we should call them. Cops asked if we were making a complaint. Uhn Yeah, but we want to know what happened - FOI act, can be requested in writing but ongoing investigations only the victim can be told info.  Ugh.

Damn right I'll make a complaint. I just don't know what the fuck happened.  She might not either. There's a good chance she was roofied. Told her we could do a group call to support her in contacting the cops, but it sooo doesn't seem like that's something she wants to do.

I'm so mad and sad and just fucking fed up with the whole situation. I don't know how to help her get through this. I don't know what will help her deal.

I BEAT UP MY RAPIST from Katrina Saville on Vimeo.