feels of efficacy

 I had a pretty good day. Had good eats and a long walk - found a park modeled on Versailles. Lotsa flowers

I was feeling kinda raw at the start, but I kept just doing things as I thought of them and that gave me good feels of efficacy. Too often I think, I should do whatever, see a chore attached to an object, but move on to some other activity. Just little things, like calling the pharmacy for a refill. I did get shut down there - I found out my prescription for test strips was suspended because I got a med that's supposed to lower my blood sugar. I had to get a special authority to get it - Jardiance. I told my doctor I wasn't going to try the new psych med, 3rd gen to the 1st gen one the hospital made me take until I was also on the diabetes med. It's actually supposed to protect my kidney function as well.  I'm supposed to drink a ton of water, and somehow that's part of the mechanism - you pee out the excess glucose.  Something like that anyhow. I'll be able to eat carbs if I want I guess, but without test strips, how will I know how many carbs I can eat? People talk about Canada having free healthcare but it's tightly managed and how much you pay for medication depends on what kind of insurance you have and what province you're in.  Regional disparities are biggie sized. Another hoop to jump through,  - gots to get another special authority for making sure my blood sugar is okay. I immediately felt despair due to my medical trauma. Too many times I've had to negotiate the medical system. I know I could be grateful, but honestly it's a fucking chore looking after my fucking failing body.

I was talking to Joe about my feels, how I felt my pain body looming, an undifferentiated mass of woe suffusing my being as my morning began - well 2pm is when I arose, went to bed around 6am after all. I tried to identify why I felt shitty and I tracked it down to feeling lonely. This covid and depending mostly on social media for my peoples time - and mainly shallow interactions eh. I don't feel connected to others. I don't feel seen or heard. I guess lots of people in the same boat. Isolation be part of social distancing. I did txt my mom and sister and niece right after, and made arrangements with my friend down the road to have a picnic when Popeye's opens.  Got to connect with the people I care about.

I got an Indigenous NFB link sent to me from my screenplay group - this vid spoke to me.

b'Very Present', b'Conor' b'McNally', provided by the National Film Board of Canada