Shrink my troubles away

Yesterday I talked to a shrink. I had a list of things I'd written down, areas of diagnosis I wanted to explore - Asperger's ADHD, what other personality disorders I might slot into besides Bipolar.  My desire there was to figure out what would be the most effective, efficient form of therapy, but I got shut down. Especially around Aspergers. Dude said something like, "You present really well and follow conversational conventions." Yeah, but that's because I've learned coping strategies...

Whatever I guess, I got referrals for 3 different places. It's nuts that I got fast tracked since I was in the hospital, and I still waited more than a month to get this shrink appointment. And who knows how long I'll be waiting before these therapy things come online for me.  Triage in the medical system is leaving a whole lot of people out in the cold.

I googled shrink after. He has an abysmal score on Rate My MD. He was part of team responsible for discharging a man from hospital who killed himself shortly after. 

Sad business.  Joe noticed he perked up when I said I was willing to explore medication. I'm not hopeful I will like meds, but I'm gonna give them a chance. Only once I get the diabetes med that will conteract the higher blood sugars that the psych med is supposed to produce though.

I get so tired of trying to stay on top of all my medical shizz.  not enough spoons!!!

TV, time sucks

I spent most of the waking day with the tv on.

I woke up late, after noon and puttered around with coffee and messenger, had a video chat until home support came. I had a shower then munched the scrambled eggs Joe made.

I put on the tv to watch the Jets/Oilers playoff game but Joe wasn't into it and we finished off Minari.  Then I watched the Billboard Awards. Was a big Canadian content, Toronto night with The Weeknd, Drake and Marshmello performing, and taking home awards.

I liked The Weeknd's performance, felt very LA with all the vehicles.

Awards show, and news are about the only thing I appreciate about having cable. Feels weird watching tv, I always feel like I'm wasting my time.  Commercials are fascinating though, the consumer culture they push, their power is undeniable, especially the food commercials. The allure of a well crafted ad, well it's no wonder it's such a big industry - drives desire and that's what the big money folk need is more consumption. buy buy buy

I can't get into new shows.  I see intriguing ads and titles that give me pause when I'm scrolling the guide, but fack it feels boring too.

I just don't care enough.  I'm not grabbed easily with the time commitment.

Yet I'll scroll forever on FB or tiktok or reddit

I feel real addicted to my internets

I doan know what to do about it. 

Boxes of books

Dayum, I have let this blog languish.

I was checking the blog and saw all this drafts and published a couple, but fucking annoyingly didn't make sure to change date.

Whatever

I think I'll start up a diff blog anyhow, one where I just write whatever instead of focusing purely on the things I watch.  I'm not watching as much movies as I used to anyhow.  Since I moved to my new place, I can count on my fingers the flicks I watched in last 2 months approx - far cry from my old habits of multiple movies a day.

I was feeling crap the other day. Figured out it was because of unpacking some books and letting go of a number of them.  

Esthero - I don't want to let you go playing as I ponder this chain of events lol

I've always been very attached to the things I own.  I gave up a Henry Miller - Quiet Days in Clichey. Dude I met at hostel that I stayed at when I first moved to Vancouver gave it to me. I found a transfer and a postcard in it.
.
Rilke - Letters to a Young Poet
I don't remember who gave me that or if I bought it myself, but I liked the dedication in it.  I like when you can tell a book had a life before you had it.

Books are romantic like that.

Any object can be I guess, if you think about it.  You can wonder on who made it, where it travelled from, any number of axis of what it is could take you on a thought journey.  All I'm saying is my things hold stories, and unpacking them, I realized these books maybe don't fit who I am anymore, don't complement where I want to be, and there's loss in that.

Hannibal

I haven't been this riveted by a tv show since I can't remember when.  It's dark and grim and serial killer convoluted, with Hugh Dancy's Will Graham jittering along careening down the wilfull manipulations of Mads Mikkelsons Hannibal Lecter.  It's always grimly gorgeous even when it's grotesque, espcially when it's grotesque with a grand guignol somber ghoulish beauty bathed in darkest blood and pathos.  This Hannibal is under wraps and contained, all dressed to the nines in his suits,  of humanity practicing his psychiatric skills on various hapless patients.  Gillian Anderson guests as Hannibal's shrink and she's puzzling, haven't quite figured her out yet. 

It's a great show and I hope it airs all 7 of the seasons Brian Fuller has envisioned.  Apparently he has yet to get the rights to Silence of the Lambs from MGM, but if he doesn't, he said he would approximate the story line with similarly named characters. 

Race

You're not a thinker Jesse!", paraphrase of dialogue sums up this film pretty well. Athletic glory is not important really, but that's just me I guess. I feel like this status quo pro, individual responses to systemic problems, with its huge disdain for the importance/effectiveness of the power of political action, so squandered the legacy of Jesse Owens. The best parts were the blurbs at the end over the photos of the real people explaining what happened to them after the '29 Olympics. There were a bunch of Olympic athletes in the theatre and they ate it up with a corporate sponsored spoon, makes sense that they would though. They are cogs in the machine of sport being fed on hopes of glory. Also who the hell cast Jason Sudekis as the coach?? Made it seem like satire right from the start.